The doctor who saw to the Head Administrator's injuries had obviously seen worse; he remembered the pirate raid and zombie invasion that followed the previous Head Administrator's death.

"Well, Head Administrator Culler, I'd suggest not partaking in whatever particular sexual activity caused these injuries," the doctor said.

"God, does everyone in this town think I have a problem with sex?" John Culler said through the painkillers and the wired jaw.

"You've got an all-encompassing bruise on your scrotum, multiple deep bruises up and down your spine and around your kidneys, a clean fracture on the right side of your jaw and a nasty knot forming behind and below your left ear. Then there's the scratches across your eyes, and first-degree burns on your face." the doctor said. "If I didn't know your reputation better I'd say you were caught totally by surprise and beaten someone who really hated you."

John squinted at the doctor. "And since you claim to know my reputation, pray tell what really happened to me?"

"Your partner or partners really got carried away with the whole pain and bondage thing," the doctor replied. "I'm going to be honest with you Head Administrator, you need to cut out any of your 'extracurricular activities' until those bruises heal and that jaw re-knits. You're not a teenager, so stop trying to compete with them."

John blinked. "What would you say if I told you I really got caught flat-footed and was beaten by an angry mother and my wife and that this had nothing to do with sex?"

Doctors aren't supposed to laugh in their patients' faces or at their patients' stories. This one did. "I don't believe you one bit!" the doctor said.

"You don't?"

"No! You're a sex-crazed and irresponsible former congressman who got booted out of his district by voters who wanted someone responsible. The only reason you're the Head Administrator is because your son can write a very convincing argument in the space allotted on a BCR-2-1A Requisition for Succession to Previous Head Administrator. That's it," the doctor said. "No one believes you because you were a politician for so long that you can't help but lie about your personal life."

"So if I told everyone I'd given up booze, drugs, and cheating on my wife, they'd think I was lying?" John asked.

"And vice-versa. If you told us you never gave it up, we wouldn't believe you. You're only in charge because we believed someone else."

"Then everything I've done has reflected poorly on that someone?"

"In terms of getting day-to-day business done, you've reflected well on him. In being a scandal-ridden prick who heaps dishonor upon dishonor on the reputation of the man who stood up for you, yes, I'd say you reflect very poorly upon him," the doctor said. "You're lucky he bears these dishonors with patience."

"It might not be patience, considering that my son is my advocate," John said.

"Well, whatever it is, you owe him a great deal. Now, as I said, don't go chasing women around until that jaw and those bruises heal." The doctor left John Culler alone with his thoughts.

John's thoughts, though, were of revenge. Thankfully it was a revenge tempered by the doctor's words.

_________________
DocSaluki - @jchinds

Yes, I'm the madman behind the 575 pounds of awesome that is Hephaestus 1. (He's not gone, as long as you keep him in your heart!) I'm not responsible for your nightmares or broken minds, though.

So long, Providence, Hello, Detroit.

The Cobalt Claymore arrived in typical fashion for his consultation meeting with the Paperwork Ninja. He appeared suddenly, out of the shadows. He stepped up to the doorbell and rang it. Elizabeth Iasan, the Paperwork Ninja's youngest daughter, opened the door.

"Uh, hi. Is your father home?" the Cobalt Claymore asked from under the hood of his cloak. He knew he was in the right location, but wasn't expecting to see a grade-school aged catgirl in a blue oxford shirt and khaki skirt and glasses open the door.

"Oh, you must be Dad's new client," Elizabeth said with her father's signature unflappability. Her ears twitched a little as she tried to focus on her guest's heartbeat. "Please follow me to the office."

"Right," the Cobalt Claymore said.

"You remembered your organizational proposal and have that available in a PDF file, correct?" Elizabeth asked.

"Yes," the blue-clad swordsman said.

"And you have your latest quarterly balance sheet broken down week-to-week as well, yes?" the little catgirl asked.

"Yes," the Cobalt Claymore replied again.

"And you have the necessary signature chop of your representative clan?"

"What?"

"Oh," Elizabeth said, "You haven't got your chop with you? Hmm. That will probably cause a delay in the acceptance process," she said while looking over her glasses at the hero. "Most ninja leaders have the chops with them at this point, and I'd think a CEO would also have his notarized, medallioned signature card available as well."

"Wait, you mean my family signature seal?" the Cobalt Claymore asked. "I have that with me."

"The proper term is 'chop', sir," Elizabeth said. "Improper terminology can often cause delays."

"I see," the Cobalt Claymore said to the oxford-and-khaki-clad catgirl. "I'll be cognizant of that in the future."

"Please see that you do," Elizabeth said in a near-perfect imitation of her father. "Consulting is very serious business." She stopped at the door to her father's home office and knocked. "Dad? The Cobalt Claymore is here to see you."

"Bring him in, Elizabeth," the Paperwork Ninja said.

"Right away, sir," the little catgirl said as she opened the door and motioned for her guest to go through. "This way, please!"

The Cobalt Claymore looked at the father-daughter duo. Same color of clothes, similar glasses, uncannily similar looks of businesslike demeanor. The only difference is that the Paperwork Ninja was old enough to know when to smile.

"Ah, welcome!" the Paperwork Ninja said. "The leader of the Maehara family honors my humble home with his presence. How may I serve you?"

"The son of the Head Administrator of the Village Hidden in Bureaucracy honors me by allocating his time to my trifling problems," the Cobalt Claymore said, trying to maintain protocol. "I have prepared my information in accordance with the Rules and Regulations on Inter-Village Consultation and Intelligence Distribution."

The Paperwork Ninja nodded. "And I will prepare my consulting recommendations upon same, with confidentiality assured by the Accord of Silence of the 5th year of the Heisei era. With these formalities done, we may now speak frankly and confidentially about business matters pertaining to the Hidden World. Please call me Nemo."

"I'm Todd," the Cobalt Claymore said. "I must say your daughter is the spitting image of you."

The Paperwork Ninja chuckled. "She's my biggest surprise of all. She took my organizational skills and attention to detail. I think she'll be following in my footsteps if she doesn't go into medicine."

"She's very serious," the Cobalt Claymore said. "I hope she stays that way. Now, about my company..."

_________________
DocSaluki - @jchinds

Yes, I'm the madman behind the 575 pounds of awesome that is Hephaestus 1. (He's not gone, as long as you keep him in your heart!) I'm not responsible for your nightmares or broken minds, though.

So long, Providence, Hello, Detroit.

The Village Hidden in Bureaucracy may have been a small all-American town since its founding, but it kept many of the traditional ninja arts alive, often hiding them in plain sight. One of those arts could be found at the Forever Pals Pet Store. Ninjas were well-known for using animals to aid them in their spying, assassination, and bodyguard duties. Forever Pals catered to the animal handlers, providing numerous working animals bred for higher intelligence and the ability to pick up on their human partner's cues. Of course, the working animals there might also be sold as pets, too, providing a source of information on the daily lives of their owners. The store's current claim to fame in the ninja world was a rumor about switching one Portuguese Water Dog puppy for another after the President decided his daughters should have a dog. Mind you, some rumors never come close to the truth but rumors like that provided a mark of prestige for the store. Then again, who was to say that the rumor was actually the truth?

A few days after receiving a vicious beating by his son's wife, Head Administrator John Culler limped into the store with a cane and wired jaw.

"Good morning, Head Administrator," the owner of Forever Pals said. "What happened to you?"

"I angered the wrong woman," John said. "And I need to make up to her. So, I need your help."

"Lady Mai won't accept much in the way of apology, even if it's delivered by one of my animal couriers," the owner said.

John winced. "No, it's for my daughter-in-law."

"Sir," the owner said, "you shouldn't seduce your son's wife like-"

John cut the owner off "No! No, no, no! I didn't do that, even if the thought has bounced around my mind for years. I tried introducing my oldest grandson to the pleasures of the flesh courtesy of some women who'd been teasing him at his job and it backfired. My grandson may be scared of women now, especially beautiful swordswomen. His mother didn't like that at all."

"I see. If I may say, sir, this isn't like you to tell the truth."

"Excuse me?" John Culler asked.

"Well, you know what they say about politicians."

"I suppose I deserve that," John said.

The owner smiled beatifically. "You probably do, but that's as far as I'll go. Now, how can I help you apologize to this woman and your grandson?"

"I'd like to see your selection of puppies. Nothing too exotic or traditional, just a puppy that will be a good dog to its master someday."

"Hmm. Come with me. I think you'll like what we have." The shop owner motioned John to follow him into the back room, down an elevator and into a warm, well-lit and comfortable nursery designed specifically for canines. "I know the Head Administrator wishes to eschew a traditional dog, but our latest batches of weaned Akitas and Shiba Inu might be perfect apologies."

"No, as adorable as they are, I think a more American dog will fit the bill better," John said, trying his best not to cuddle every puppy who came up to him. Even oversexed drug-addled alcoholic ex-Congressmen have their weaknesses.

"Well, if you don't mind my asking, sir, how about a mixed-breed dog, then? They're often far hardier than the pure breeds."

"Like a labradoodle or peek-a-poo? My grandkids will not be stuck with dogs with such sissified names."

"I was thinking more of a... well, a mutt. It seems some of the sires and dams here like to play the field during missions. These "happy accidents," as I call them are often just the right dog for the task."

"Well, what do you have?"

The owner of the store went to one of the nursing pens where a mother was settled in with her pups. "Pardon me," he said to the mother as he picked up one of the pups. "The mother is a mix of pit bull and rottweiler, the father is a mix of golden retriever and yellow lab."

"So, the all-business mother got seduced by a ditzy blonde father?" John smirked.

The mother dog's ears perked up and she cast a nasty look towards her village's leader.

"Hey, it happens. We get desperate for affection sometimes," John said to the dog with a shrug. "Now, let's see the puppy- awwww so cute!"

The store owner held what was perhaps the most adorable puppy to ever come from a mix of fighting and hunting dogs. The box-like heads of the pit bull and rottweiler were lengthened by the longer snouts of the retrievers. The black and brown coat of its mother was slightly lighter due to its fathers' genes, and it had the same airheaded smile that retrievers get after eating, playing, excreting, breathing, or generally existing.

"Sir? No nuzzling the pups after they've fed." the owner said.

"Fine. Okay, now that I've found my dog, let's continue on," John said. He leaned into the breeding pen. "With your permission of course, ma'am, once she's weaned," he said to the mother dog. He presented the pup to the mother again, and she sniffed her adorable child and let her worm his way back into the gaggle of other pups from her litter.

John walked over to another pen where a batch of older puppies were playing. He looked through them all and found just the dog.

"Forget what I said about looking for a more American dog, I think this German Shepherd here will do nicely."

The store owner sidled up to his customer. "Oh, he's from a good family. Inductive and deductive reasoning is very high and he gets along well with children, too."

"Perfect," John said. He looked into the puppy's eyes. "Okay, now I have a special mission for you..."

Yes, John Culler would have his revenge. Sweet, adorable puppy revenge.

_________________
DocSaluki - @jchinds

Yes, I'm the madman behind the 575 pounds of awesome that is Hephaestus 1. (He's not gone, as long as you keep him in your heart!) I'm not responsible for your nightmares or broken minds, though.

So long, Providence, Hello, Detroit.

If you've gotten this far in the reading, I should probably finally put together a cast of characters here. Even I have trouble telling my characters apart sometimes or I'll forget their names.

First, the Iasan family:

Nemo G. Iasan, aka The Paperwork Ninja: the main character, more or less. He's from a family of ninjas from the Village Hidden in Bureaucracy, a small town just outside of Omaha, Nebraska. He's often petty and uptight towards his father, fiercely loyal to his wife, and loves his kids. Most people know him as the administrative guru for the last season of "Serv'd!" He works out of City Hall in Atlas Park, in the New Hero Registration section. His outward demeanor to the customers is that of an officious prick of a bureaucrat. This is done deliberately so no one digs into his personal life. Prior to going into the Administrative Infiltration Division, a school of ninjas that teaches how to best infiltrate a bureaucracy and use it as a weapon, he came very close to winning a major league baseball contract after four winning seasons as a starting pitcher with the Creighton Bluejays. He also briefly tried his hand at becoming a lightning caller, a specialist ninja who can summon lightning through playing an electric guitar while standing atop a moving sports car, but getting into the bureaucracy was his true calling. His hobbies are baseball, fishing, and playing the guitar. The Paperwork Ninja is 38 years of age and is a graduate of Creighton University with a Bachelor's Degree in Economics.

Dr. Wendy Iasan: The former Wendy DuRochelle is a catgirl, born and raised near Plattsburgh, New York. No one is entirely sure or how her parents met, but her mother is also a catgirl. She met Nemo Iasan in the first class of her first day at Creighton, Economics 101. Wendy went on to declare a Pre-Medical major and finished her medical school at Yale Medical School, specializing as an allergist. The irony of a catgirl allergist did not escape her. She now runs a private practice in a nicer section of the city outside the War Walls. She's as loyal and loving to Nemo as he is to her. Wendy also has the occasional flare-up of catlike weaknesses, especially with laser pointers or bits of string tied to a ceiling fan. (Nemo often uses this to distract her so he can go out and have a beer with his friends.) After much argument with Nemo, she has finally relented to let her children be taught the ninja arts, as much for their protection as anything else. Doctor Iasan is 38 years old and has six children with Nemo.

Grace Iasan, aka Gracie: The oldest child of Wendy and Nemo, Grace is 13. A catgirl like her mother, Grace's ears are slightly larger than most catgirls her age, making her feel a bit self-conscious. As part of her training, Grace has gravitated towards becoming a lightning caller. She's about as gregarious as most girls her age, though many girls have become jealous over her good looks and guitar skills. Grace prefers to use a guitar-string garrotte for her weapon.

Leonard Iasan, aka Leo: The Iasans' second child and oldest son, Leo is 12. Leo looks more like his father than do the other boys, and hasn't quite yet found his specialty niche in the ninja world. His sports skills are average and he doesn't often get much attention outside his family, making him a little shy and withdrawn. Recent events from his grandfather haven't helped any. His preferred weapon is the ninja-to, just like his father.

Jeanne Iasan, aka Jeanie: Jeanne is the third child of the group and is 11 years old. She's the social butterfly of the group and loves picking up gossip. She's also a catgirl, which led to the idea that something in Wendy's DNA might cause all of her girls to be catgirls like their mother. She has an inexplicable love for teen idols and boybands. She has made her specialty that of the Bodyguard School and has learned numerous invisibility and teleportation techniques to keep inconspicuously by the side of her clients. Her preferred weapon is a kunai.

Martin Iasan, aka Marty: Marty is 10 years old and a normal boy like Leo. Unlike his brother, he actually focused on one sport and became good at it. He pitches for his little league baseball team, and still does so after his father explained to the coach how things would be and who would teach his son the pitcher's craft. He has also picked up the baseball arts his father knows, particularly the No-Shadow Fastball, a pitch that when thrown by an adult ninja can reach speeds up to 150mph. (That speed has only been reached once, and the ninja who threw it permanently ruined his rotator cuff, deltoids and shoulder joint.) Marty's top speed right now is around 90mph when most boys his age might hit 65mph. His preferred weapon is, oddly enough, a baseball.

Elizabeth Iasan, aka Betsy: Elizabeth is the fifth child of the group and is 9 years old. Another catgirl, she has more of her mother's looks than the other girls. She is very much "Daddy's Little Princess," following him around wherever he goes, imitating him and his mannerisms. Elizabeth hasn't yet taken a specialty, but will likely go into the Administrative Infiltration Division. Her preferred weapon is a monkey fist weighted with a 1-inch hex nut, also known as a slung-shot or sand club.

Matthieu Iasan, aka Matty: Matty is the youngest child at 8 years old and unlike his brothers, he is a catboy. Nemo and Wendy were concerned that he might be a special needs child, considering the rarity of naturally-occurring catboys. As such, they're often overprotective towards him for no real reason. He's curious, outgoing, friendly, and was recently tested for his IQ. It's 215, in case you were wondering. Matty has no real physical problems except that his ears do tend to attract more dirt than the girls' ears. Then again, he also plays lots of rough-and-tumble games like Maul the Man and King of the Hill with his friends. Matty plays little league baseball and peewee hockey at the local arena. He also loves science and if he doesn't wind up in some black-ops section of the ninja world, he'd be most likely to follow his mother into medicine. His preferred weapon is the tanto, though according to his sisters his real preferred weapon is a fresh booger.

Up next, The residents of the Village Hidden in Bureaucracy.

_________________
DocSaluki - @jchinds

Yes, I'm the madman behind the 575 pounds of awesome that is Hephaestus 1. (He's not gone, as long as you keep him in your heart!) I'm not responsible for your nightmares or broken minds, though.

So long, Providence, Hello, Detroit.

And now, the Denizens of the Village Hidden in Bureaucracy.

John Culler: John is the Paperwork Ninja's father. A former U.S. Congressman from the district representing Malibu, California, John Culler was originally born and raised in the Village Hidden in Bureaucracy. Even in high school he was a constant womanizer, ruining many girls' good reputations. Much of this was due to his early mastery of hypnotic suggestion techniques. He came of age during the late 1960s, graduating and going on to the University of California at Berkeley where he earned his Political Science degree. The main reasons Culler came back in 1972 were to receive his final assignment after graduating and knock up the female portion of his three-man cell. John was never much for tradition or protocol except when it suited his purposes, could be used as a weapon, or could be used to make others miserable. As such, he left his former teammate pregnant, unmarried and spread enough rumors that she wouldn't be able to find a husband in the village. Great guy, huh? When his son was born, he had to be tracked down to be told the news, having just come off of a two-week bender with Hunter S. Thompson. John refused to give the child his last name, instead bribing the hospital to put "Nemo Gomi Iasan" down for the child's name. The real reason is that he didn't want his son's life to be affected by his father's mission and path through life. Elected in 1974 as the Congressman from Malibu's District (becoming a federal elected official was his mission assigned by the village elders), he spent his entire career matching a certain Massachusetts Senator whose name rhymes with "Ked Tennedy" drink-for-drink, shot-for-shot, and woman-for-woman. Congressman Culler won that competition handily, ensuring discreetly that his rival's excesses got into the papers but not his own. After the death of the previous Head Administrator (and a sound trouncing at the polls once his entire sordid past was revealed), John Culler was selected to be the next Head Administrator based on his government experience, his experience in battling pirates in the Hidden Wars of 1980-1990 against the Grand Pirate Fleet of Captain Charles "Fancy Lad Charlie" Irons and his desire to keep the necessary traditions of the ninja village intact. He hasn't lived up to the hype yet, preferring to cheat on his wife, use more booze and drugs than your above-average 1980s hair band and avoid work. John is 65 years old. His preferred weapon is the kubi-kiri, a unique hinged blade used for assassinations.

Brenda Cuthbert: Brenda is the Paperwork Ninja's mother. Brenda spent her years in the signal interception division before branching out into the Information Bureau, the village's organization for hunting down rogue ninjas, stopping worldwide threats, and a very specific psychological warfare operation that the author will not reveal here. (It's actually too awesome for this part of the story, and may someday be turned into a novel if I ever decide to write something other than stuff here.) She fell prey to John Culler's seduction and wound up pregnant with her son, Nemo. Brenda also believed the child would make John come to his senses and marry her, but after a few years she realized that reasoning with a sociopath only works when at the end of the argument the sociopath is dying in a fire. Life was extremely difficult for her thanks to the slander that John spread around town and around her workplace, and she often took it out on Nemo through neglect, verbal abuse, and occasionally volunteering him for missions that were suicidal for a boy his age. She was forgiven by her son after his graduation from high school for these things but it still occasionally surfaces. She lives alone in a cramped apartment in the village and houses her grandchildren during the school year. Brenda is 65 years old. Her preferred weapon is a Remington 870 shotgun, because sometimes a ninja just has to shoot someone to get the point across.

Mai Culler: Mai is John Culler's wife. Originally from northwestern Alberta ("Grande Cache" and "Grande Prairie" have both been listed as her place of birth), Mai is the youngest daughter of Ron Waifu, a feared hockey goon who played for the Toronto Maple Leafs and Boston Bruins during his hockey career. Mai is also one of the residents of the Village Hidden in The Crease, a legendary village of hockey samurai. (Rumor has it that the samurai were very, very lost.) Unfortunately for Mai, she got her father's looks: huge shoulders, hair that frizzes out when you look at it funny, a mouth that looks like it's scowling even when she's smiling and eyes that burn with an undefined hatred. (Think of Nathan Explosion from Metalocalypse, but as a woman. It's close.) She left her village to take a job as a flight attendant with Airmerica Flightways, where she became known for handling unruly passengers with courtesy, pugnacity, and violent truculence. The future Mrs. Culler wound up chasing after Nemo once she realized that he had bluffed his way through security and made her look bad, then wound up being seduced by John Culler (in what may be the most self-sacrificing thing that John Culler has ever done for his son) all while pirates and ninjas were fighting around her. She managed to catch hold of John Culler and with Nemo's help held the Best Shotgun Wedding Ever. Mai is 48 years old. Her hobbies are smoking and revenge. Mai's preferred weapon is a tire thumper, a clublike instrument used to check for uneven wear on truck tires and to beat people when they need it.

_________________
DocSaluki - @jchinds

Yes, I'm the madman behind the 575 pounds of awesome that is Hephaestus 1. (He's not gone, as long as you keep him in your heart!) I'm not responsible for your nightmares or broken minds, though.

So long, Providence, Hello, Detroit.

The doorbell to the Iasan residence chimed as Wendy opened the door. A delivery truck was in front of her house and the driver was carting up a large-sized box with air holes cut into it.

"Good morning, ma'am," the driver said while trying not to look at Wendy's ears. "Package for... says here it's for a Leonard Iasan."

"That's my son," Wendy said as she signed for it. "I don't remember ordering anything for him."

"Well, it's a live animal, so be careful with it."

"I see," Wendy said, wondering how Leo managed managed to order something like this. She saw the delivery driver off and turned back into the house. "Leo!" she shouted, "What did you order on the internet this time?"

Leo stuck his head down from the stairwell to the second floor. "I didn't order anything, Mom!"

"Well, there's a live animal out here for you. You know I don't want pets around here. It's bad for my patients."

"I didn't get a pet, Mom, honest," Leo said as he let himself down onto the stairs. He walked over to the box and checked the tags. "Forever Pals Pet Shop, Springfield, Nebraska."

"Nebraska?" Wendy asked. "I... oh, your grandpa is going to pay."

Leo opened the crate and an adorable German Shepherd puppy trotted out and barked merrily. "Grandpa sent us a dog." He looked on the collar and found a courier pouch. Opening the pouch, he found a handwritten note from his grandfather.

"Hi, Leo, I know that this isn't much, but I'd like to apologize for my conduct and offer this puppy as a token of my good faith," Leo read aloud. "We always said in Washington that if you wanted a friend in our business you should get a dog."

Leo looked at his mother. "Grandpa just said that I didn't have any friends, didn't he?"

Wendy gave the best motherly reassurance she could. "I'm sure he didn't really mean that, Leo. Keep reading."

"Anyway, I know you're feeling very sensitive to things happening around you, and that's usually a sign that you're getting older. In some cases, though, that's also a sign that you need to work with a close companion and confidant to help you get through adolescence. You might just be the kind of guy who will fit in well with our village's dog teams. While the others might get to play with this puppy, you're the one responsible for taking care of him, training him to respond to you instead of everyone else, and ensuring that he becomes the best dog a ninja could have."

Wendy was fuming at this point. "Well played, Culler. Well played."

Leo looked at the puppy, who sat attentively at his side. "So, what should I name you?"

The puppy barked again, this time getting the attention of the Iasan's other children.

"I should call you something worthy of a ninja dog, but the only two names I really know of are Poppy and Pakkun. How about Ganbaru? That sounds right for a dog who can endure being shipped as freight like that."

The puppy barked again in agreement with his new master.

Leo picked up his new four-legged charge and met his siblings in the kitchen. "Guys! We got a dog!"

Wendy started calculating how much anti-allergy detergent she'd need for her clothes, food and veterinarian bills for the puppy, and so forth.

John Culler's revenge was sweet, adorable, and playful. Wendy loathed that kind of revenge.

_________________
DocSaluki - @jchinds

Yes, I'm the madman behind the 575 pounds of awesome that is Hephaestus 1. (He's not gone, as long as you keep him in your heart!) I'm not responsible for your nightmares or broken minds, though.

So long, Providence, Hello, Detroit.

Being a ninja had its advantages, like being able to walk silently on old hardwood floors, mask your scent, and ensure that everything else distracts searcher from your presence. Such was the case when the Paperwork Ninja got home from work. Wendy was in the kitchen, trying to pair tonight's dinner menu with her wine collection. Her mp3 player was turned up a little louder than normal and she sang and danced along with the song, ears twitching.

"If you liked it then you should'a put a ring on it," she sang, swaying her butt and tail to the beat of the song.

"I did, and I did," the ninja said as he scooted up behind his wife.

Wendy yelped as she realized someone was behind her. "Gah! Nemo! You scared me," she said.

"Sorry," he said, looking up over his wife's shoulder. "But you should know something: I gave up watching you dance just so I could come over and say that I love watching you dance." The Paperwork Ninja wrapped his arms around the catgirl's waist. "I sacrifice so much for you."

Wendy smirked. "Right, right. Anything else?"

Her answer was a quick kiss on the cheek. "Happy 15th Anniversary, Wendy," the Paperwork Ninja said as he put a string of pearls around his wife's neck. "I love you, baby."

Wendy smiled. "We've put up with each other's crap for fifteen years? Everyone said we'd be divorced before our tenth."

"I love being able to prove people wrong," the Paperwork Ninja said with a smile of his own. With a quick shift of his feet and sweep of his arm, he gathered Wendy up into his arms. "Even better that it's with you."

"The kids are with a sitter, so it's just you and me," Wendy said.

"Yeah, you think Mick will survive the experience of six ninja apprentices at the Paragon City Funtime Party Zone?" the Paperwork Ninja asked.

"Well, what's the worst that could happen?" Wendy asked.

The Paperwork Ninja frowned. "You didn't just say that."

"Whatever it is, it's also someone else's problem tonight," Wendy purred into his ear right before nibbling on it.

"You're... absolutely right, Wendy. Now, dinner first, then dessert."

At the Paragon City Funtime Party Zone restaurant and action park, six ninja apprentices sat at their table, exhausted.

"Come on, kids! One more round of go-kart racing, then it's off to the mini-golf course!"

"But we're tired, Mister O'Flannagan," Martin said to the big blue cyborg. "We've driven the go-karts, the bumper boats, done laser tag multiple times, been to the driving range and batting cages three times each. Can't we just go home?"

"You'll be walking in on your parents' 'special alone time' if you do that," Hephaestus 1 said.

The kids looked a each other.

"More go-karts?" Grace asked.

"More go-karts!" Matty answered.

With a newfound desire to not interrupt their parents, the children ran to the go-kart track.

_________________
DocSaluki - @jchinds

Yes, I'm the madman behind the 575 pounds of awesome that is Hephaestus 1. (He's not gone, as long as you keep him in your heart!) I'm not responsible for your nightmares or broken minds, though.

So long, Providence, Hello, Detroit.

Another afternoon tea was over at the Windsor maid cafe, and Grace Iasan stretched and yawned at her greeter's position. Her ears picked up a few soft, tentative steps. She opened her eyes. A boy about her age stood in front of her, trying not to stare and failing. His hair was very very blue and very recognizable, thankfully. There were only a few people around who dyed their hair that particular shade, and most of the were at work.

"Good afternoon, milord!" Grace squeaked cheerfully. "I'm ever so sorry you missed our afternoon High Tea, but we do have tables available for regular service!"

"Uhm, that's fine," Patryk said as his hair color accuentuated the blush that appeared on his cheeks as Grace spoke to him. "Regular's fine. Besides, isn't High Tea usually just for old ladies who like to dress up?"

"It's also for gentlemen who are willing to speak of finer subjects of life," Grace nodded with a well-rehearsed smile. "Please, let me show you to a table. Perhaps milord would enjoy a seat instead at the reading lounge?"

"A, uh, a table's fine," Patryk said. "Lead the way!"

"Certainly, milord!"

The catgirl daintily stepped to an available table and stood by as Patryk seated himself. "And who would you like to serve you today, milord? Catherine is out for today, but Jennifer, Evangelina, Stelle, and Therese are awaiting a table." The cafe was packed, and each of the girls were either standing patiently by the door or they were at a table socializing and helping to bring some of the more shy customers out of their shells.

"C-could you serve me today, Grace?" Patryk asked.

The other maids whispered to each other. Grace was usually not called on since the guitar incident, as her skill at playing guitar had intimidated the leaders of the more influential cliques that patronized the cafe. The catgirl blinked a few times.

"Are you sure, milord? Evangelina has a better command of all things Star Trek, Jennifer is quite the HeroForce player, and-"

Patryk interrupted her. "Yeah, but you play guitar. That's so cool. I was hoping we could, uh, talk music."

"I'll have to speak with Lady Julienne about this." Grace scurried off. "Lady Julienne!"

Patryk slumped down in his chair. "Great job, Patryk. You got her in trouble with her boss."

Stelle walked primly to Patryk's table. "Beg pardon, milord, but you seem upset."

"I think I got Grace in trouble. I asked if she'd serve me."

Stelle flipped a perfectly-coiled ringlet of blonde hair behind her shoulder. "Yes, that's quite rare. As milord knows, Grace is primarily out greeter, and not a serving maid. So she must go and ask permission from Lady Julienne. She's quite new and may not be as educated on a variety of subjects. She's also heading back to school in a week or so."

Patryk's head popped up with a look of shock on his face. "What?"

"She attends a private conservatory near Omaha, or at least that's what we've been told. She's quite the guitar prodigy."

There are times when a man must throw caution to the wind. Patryk decided this was that time. "I have to hurry to ask her out, then!"

Much like the classic E.F. Hutton commercial, everyone stopped to listen in.

Grace stopped in mid-stride. A boy was asking her out? Even though Stelle had bigger boobs and nicer hair, Jennifer was more motherly, and both Evangelina and Therese had the most adorable English and French accents respectively?

Stelle stifled a laugh. "Oh, you are a most forward young man, milord! I don't know if that frail slip of a girl could be a very good date."

"I'm a good date!" Grace growled behind Stelle. "I'm the best at dating!"

Stelle couldn't help but laugh at that. "Is that so? Then do you accept his offer?"

"Yes." Grace was as firm as a boulder on loose sand.

"Uhm, I didn't ask you, though. I was about to ask you," Patryk said. "But since you're back, will you go out with me before you go back to school?"

"With pleasure, milord!" Grace beamed. "Shall we come here for tea, or elsewhere?"

"I was wondering if you wanted to see Skullkickers: The Motion Picture with me," Patryk said. "Is that okay?"

"With soundtrack by Iron Maiden, Kamelot and the guys behind Dethklok? You better believe it!"

Stelle gave a schoolmarmish shake of her finger. "But isn't such a film rated 'R' and thus too violent for girl of your tender years?"

Grace fumed at Stelle. Stupid college freshman with huge knockers acting like she's all that... "I'll get my mom and dad to take us. They like movies."

Stelle grinned. "A double date with mommy and daddy?"

"Yes. At least now we've proven that one of us can get a date," Grace said icily.

"Ooooooooh," murmured the crowd.

"Touche," Stelle said.

Patryk turned pale. From the information he received from Hephaestus 1, Grace's father was Nemo Iasan, the grouchiest civil servant in the Hero Registration Office. He tried to remember all of his sins against correctly-filled forms in case he should have to confess them. "They- they- they- they're going with us?"

Grace nodded happily. "We'll be fine! Besides, if I'm lucky, I can convince Dad to buy us tickets and all the food we want."

"But isn't your dad the guy at the Hero Registration Office?" Patryk asked.

"He sure is, milord Patryk!" Grace smiled again.

"You know my name?" the blue-haired boy asked in astonishment.

"Of course! A good hostess must always know the names the regular customers prefer to be called, milord!"

"Wow."

"But I must know how milord learned of my relationship to my father," Grace said sweetly.

"I, uh, I asked Hephaestus 1," Patryk said.

"Ah! Well, I must remember to admonish Sergeant O'Flannagan the next time I see him. Giving away a girl's information like that could cause trouble. A retired policeman such as himself should know these things, don't you agree?"

In another part of the city, a big blue cyborg woke up from his afternoon nap with a start, as if someone had just walked on his grave.

"Uh, yes?" Patryk asked.

"Then I suppose we should discuss the arrangements of this meeting, milord," Grace said. "Shall I bring you your favorite drink?"

"Uhm, yeah... uh, tea. I guess. Iced?"

"With pleasure, milord! Anything else?" Grace asked.

"No, that's fine."

The catgirl bounced merrily away, leaving Stelle to stand there gobsmacked. Stelle gave Patryk a look that carried the same terror-inducing power of the evil monkey that lives in Chris Griffin's closet.

"Well, you started it," Patryk said.

_________________
DocSaluki - @jchinds

Yes, I'm the madman behind the 575 pounds of awesome that is Hephaestus 1. (He's not gone, as long as you keep him in your heart!) I'm not responsible for your nightmares or broken minds, though.

So long, Providence, Hello, Detroit.

(( I really hate to interrupt the flow of this series of vignettes by posting, but I just had to say, (while I have enjoyed the lot of them so far, especially Culler getting his head handed to him by Wendy) that last one really made me smile. ^^ ))

_________________
"Do your best and let the rest work itself out."
Doctor Void - Dr. Wretched - Impact Tower - Jackie Bones - MerryGoRound - Bella Facade - Dark Anima - Choose - many others.

Grace Iasan took some of her break time to call Hephaestus 1. She wasn't happy that he'd spilled so much information to Patryk, but it couldn't be helped now. Heph must never do that again, and it was up to Grace to ensure that he received that message.

"Hello?" Heph's voice asked over the phone.

"Hi, Mr. O'Flannagan, it's Grace Iasan."

"Ah, Gracie! How are you?" Heph asked.

"Oh, I'm fine. Say, did you talk to a boy named Patryk about me?" Grace asked sweetly.

"Yes, I did. Why?"

"Oh, well, he figured out who my dad was and I thought you might have told him."

"Oh, that? Yes, I told him. I thought he should know so as to avoid any unpleasant surprises," Heph said. "Is that a problem?"

"Well, no, but it made him really nervous," Grace said. "I didn't like that."

"Oh. Sorry. I just thought he should know."

Grace leaned back in her chair. "Well, for someone who has a direct-brain link to the internet, you should know about giving someone the wrong kind of information, yes?"

Heph sighed. "Yeah, Internet is a harsh friend sometimes, but when I need to know something, Internet finds it for me. It's all because I helped him with a couple of things."

"And the price you pay is having anything from 4chan and all similar imageboards show up first for any subject which you're searching, right?"

"Yeah, why?"

Grace smiled, though Heph couldn't see it. "I just want you to know one thing, Mr. O'Flannagan. Sometimes when you give out information a little too freely, it can cause someone else real trouble. I guess you could say that... it's a trap!"

"Huh? I- OH GOD MY EYES" Heph shouted as he lost the phone connection. Internet exacted a heavy toll on those who it would give its benefits.

Grace smiled. Revenge was hers.

_________________
DocSaluki - @jchinds

Yes, I'm the madman behind the 575 pounds of awesome that is Hephaestus 1. (He's not gone, as long as you keep him in your heart!) I'm not responsible for your nightmares or broken minds, though.

So long, Providence, Hello, Detroit.

The Paperwork Ninja's first meeting with Patryk went well. It reminded him of the first time he met Wendy's father. He wasn't nervous in the same way as Patryk, though. He'd just been through a war with pirates back then, earning his journeyman status during the fight at New Port Royal. Still, the look on the boy's face must have been the same as his when he found out that it was okay to date the older man's daughter.

He probably wouldn't have selected "Skullkickers: The Motion Picture" as a date movie, but then again, this was a different generation. The Paperwork Ninja and Wendy let the kids find their own seats and then settled into the back, away from the kids. With Wendy's ears and his eyes, the Paperwork Ninja would be able to spot any inappropriate silliness. Something didn't seem right, though. He sighed and whispered something to his wife.

The Paperwork Ninja teleported quickly to the ceiling, using his own skills to stand upside down... behind a certain 12-year old boy and his puppy.

"Leo," the Paperwork Ninja whispered, "You shouldn't be here. Go home."

"Uh, Ganbaru wanted to see it," Leo said, looking at the German Shepherd puppy next to him.

"Go home, straightest path, no stopping. And no blaming the dog."

"Fine," Leo said as he and the dog disappeared into a cleverly-disguised hole in the ceiling. The Paperwork Ninja teleported back.

"Which one was it?" Wendy asked quietly.

"Leo," the Paperwork Ninja said. "he said the puppy wanted to see the movie."

"I knew that dog was up to no good," Wendy smirked.

The Paperwork Ninja grinned. "Eh, I'd have blamed the dog, too, when I was his age."

The catgirl and ninja snuggled together as the lights dimmed.

_________________
DocSaluki - @jchinds

Yes, I'm the madman behind the 575 pounds of awesome that is Hephaestus 1. (He's not gone, as long as you keep him in your heart!) I'm not responsible for your nightmares or broken minds, though.

So long, Providence, Hello, Detroit.

As far as action movies go, "Skullkickers: The Motion Picture" wasn't too bad. There was actual skull-kicking going on, at least in the scene with the army of animated skeletons and the other scene of the fight in the Temple of Ehd-Gahr'ubharmhan.

Patryk and Grace were both glued to the screen, but their minds were also engaged in a fight for a specific piece of territory: the armrest between them. Patryk was trying to be a gentleman and offered the armrest to Grace, but he found himself accidentally draping his arm over hers. Unlike most guys, it was actually accidental. Grace kept looking at him weirdly.

"Sorry," the blue-haired boy whispered. "Habit."

Grace shrugged. "Okay."

Patryk thought for a moment, and then a thought worthy of Sir Walter Raleigh and his cloak came to him. Very carefully, he slid his arm under hers, acting as a cushion and allowing him to use the armrest. Grace searched across this new armrest with her hand, then interlaced her fingers in with his. Her fingertips were rough, callused from all the practice. The two teenagers settled back to enjoy the show.

"Why, Mister Hawkins," Grace whispered, "what an ingenious idea."

"Thank you, Miss Iasan," Patryk replied with a smile. "I do get these ideas from time to time."

_________________
DocSaluki - @jchinds

Yes, I'm the madman behind the 575 pounds of awesome that is Hephaestus 1. (He's not gone, as long as you keep him in your heart!) I'm not responsible for your nightmares or broken minds, though.

So long, Providence, Hello, Detroit.

* facepalm with a triple axel *

_________________

_________________
DocSaluki - @jchinds

Yes, I'm the madman behind the 575 pounds of awesome that is Hephaestus 1. (He's not gone, as long as you keep him in your heart!) I'm not responsible for your nightmares or broken minds, though.

So long, Providence, Hello, Detroit.

Every action movie has some kind of suspense-building scene where the heroes are being stalked by a ruthless and implacable foe. Patryk knew that. He expected it. The catgirl sitting to his right knew that as well, but was way more into the movie than he was. Grace's ears flattened as she tensed up. Patryk felt her grip tighten as the murderer flattened himself along the walls like a shadow, crawling under doors and through a portcullis like so much smoke. As the heroes in the movie stopped to rest, the murderer made his appearance, fading in through a wall.

"Boo," the murderer's whisper boomed through the movie.

Gracie screamed and leapt into Patryk's lap, upending the popcorn. She did this without letting go of Patryk's hand, turning it into a rather painful joint lock. Patryk yelled in surprise and discomfort accidentally unleashing a sonic blast that caused the movie screen to ripple, further distorting the special effects and making for a more surreal fight scene. This caused multiple people to cry out in surprise as well.

"Holy crap! You have super powers, Patryk?" Grace said blinking.

"Yes-ow-pleaseletgo-oww-ofmywrist," Patryk said.

Grace looked down and saw that her had was not just wrapped around Patryk's but she'd twisted and folded it in a way that really hurt. She let go and Patryk breathed a sigh of relief.

"Okay, I didn't know you had super powers," Grace said.

"Well, that's why I was hesitant at first to ask you out. I mean, stuff like this always goes on your permanent record, you know?"

"Because of my dad?" Grace asked.

"Yeah. He's really kind of scary when you're in line and waiting for your forms to get processed. I think he's there to weed out the ones who can't follow simple rules."

"Huh. I thought he just typed stuff all day. Uh, Patryk, I don't want to embarrass you any further, but I've got another question."

"What is it, Grace?" Patryk asked.

"What's poking me?"

"My house keys. They're digging into my thigh right now," the blue-haired boy said.

"Sorry," Grace whispered with relief. "I should get back to my chair. Dad will give me the lecture of doom if I don't." She crawled back over the armrest and into her seat. "So, keys, huh?"

"Yes. House keys. We have a bunch of locks on the doors. You can't be too careful," Patryk said.

Well, it was mostly true. She had been sitting on his keys and they were digging into his thigh because of it, so that was the truth.

"Oh! Look! Skullkicking in progress!" Patryk said to avoid discussion of anything else.

Grace looked at the screen and smiled. "Awesome."

_________________
DocSaluki - @jchinds

Yes, I'm the madman behind the 575 pounds of awesome that is Hephaestus 1. (He's not gone, as long as you keep him in your heart!) I'm not responsible for your nightmares or broken minds, though.

So long, Providence, Hello, Detroit.