((This is mainly just a place for me to jot down bits of fiction and conversation between my various ninja characters and the world around them. It'll keep me from going nuts at work.))

The Paperwork Ninja lay flat on his back looking up at the dining room ceiling. He pondered painting the ceiling beige for a moment, then remembered what got him in this situation.

"I have got to make that ramen recipe more often."

His mindscape once again took the form of a simple drawing of a ninja holding two fans and shouting "YAAAAAAAAAAAY."

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DocSaluki - @jchinds

Yes, I'm the madman behind the 575 pounds of awesome that is Hephaestus 1. (He's not gone, as long as you keep him in your heart!) I'm not responsible for your nightmares or broken minds, though.

So long, Providence, Hello, Detroit.

Matt and Leo Iasan took in some extra swordplay practice with with their grandfather John Culler. Of the three choices he was given for the day, do paperwork, stay at home with his wife Mai and watch her "stories" or do swordplay training with two of his grandsons, he chose the last. He also complained to himself about his secretary never pencilling in any strippers-and-heavy-drug-use time like his congressional staffers did. Well, he figured that he might be able to head over to the Village Hidden in a Strip Club if he could frustrate his young students enough to make them want to go home.

"Okay, kids," John said as he produced three racquetballs and began juggling them, "the objective is to hit me without damaging the racquetballs. One contains the secret plans, two contain a high explosive that will go off if you cut through them and kill us all. So, it's up to you to take out the guy with the plans and retrieve all three balls so they--"

Leo, the oldest of two apprentice ninjas began with a stabbing motion that made John take a few steps back. The youngest of the Iasan boys, Matt, watched the racquetballs like the cat side of his family watched birds and squirrels from inside a window. The ears atop his head twitched and flattened as he drew his sword and stabbed at the racquetballs one by one and put them into his cargo pockets.

John stood there. "Weren't you listening? Two of those racquetballs were bombs!"

Matt smiled. "I never cut through the racquetballs, Grandpa! See?" He fished the racquetballs out of his pocket. They were all still completely intact. "I just put my sword under them and flipped them back towards me!" The little boy perfectly imitated his grandfather's juggling act.

"When did you learn to juggle, Matty?" Leo asked. "Besides, I thought you were going to sneak around him while I had him distracted."

"I just saw Grandpa do it now," the catboy said with a cheshire grin. "It's easy! This was easier than your plan, too, Leo."

John Culler stood there fuming until he came up with a better plan. "Okay, new test. This time instead of taking something from an opponent, we're going to put something on an opponent instead. Now, Grandpa's going to take you to a place where the women can't afford clothes, so it's up to us to give them all these dollar bills. There's a catch, though. You have to sneak it onto them somehow because if they found that you'd given them money, you'd insult their sense of lady ninja honor. Now who's with me?" He handed each boy a fist-sized roll of fives.

It was the best of all worlds: goofing off, wasting huge amounts of cash on strippers, ninja training, abuse of political power and bonding with his grandsons. John Culler couldn't be happier at the moment.

"Just remember, guys, this is a secret ninja test," John said. "Your mom and dad and grandma and my wife are never to know about this. It's Ultra-Double Top Secret training."

The boys shrugged. They'd already been through the basics of security clearance training.

"Let's go!" John said as the trio of ninjas piled into his Mercedes.

_________________
DocSaluki - @jchinds

Yes, I'm the madman behind the 575 pounds of awesome that is Hephaestus 1. (He's not gone, as long as you keep him in your heart!) I'm not responsible for your nightmares or broken minds, though.

So long, Providence, Hello, Detroit.

(( O_o So...very...wrong... But so hilarious! XD ))

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"Do your best and let the rest work itself out."
Doctor Void - Dr. Wretched - Impact Tower - Jackie Bones - MerryGoRound - Bella Facade - Dark Anima - Choose - many others.

((Heheh. That's one awesome grandpa. XD))

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@Vagabond X



YOINK! "That whooshing sound you hear is me rushing to hijack that phrase for my sig line. Oh, hey look. " ~ DJ Nexus

'What is best in life?' 'To AoE your enemies, see them rooted before you, and hear the lamentations of the griefers.' ~ Nachtkat

From the get-go, I always thought of the Paperwork Ninja's dad as "Charlie Harper as a ninja and congressman from Malibu." That's the kind of man that John Culler is. The whole Charlie Sheen meltdown is just more stuff to work with. Mind you, Leo is about 10 and Matt is probably around 8. Getting them into a strip club should be easy. Explaining it to the family... might be a little tougher.

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DocSaluki - @jchinds

Yes, I'm the madman behind the 575 pounds of awesome that is Hephaestus 1. (He's not gone, as long as you keep him in your heart!) I'm not responsible for your nightmares or broken minds, though.

So long, Providence, Hello, Detroit.

Inside an old fortress hidden in a mountain forest, a shadow servant led an older woman flanked by two nearly-identical men.

"This way, Lady Sarutobi," the servant whispered. "Lady Maehara may not be long for this world."

The older woman seemed to be smiling as she was led into the room. With the exception of a futon and a small tray with a bottle of sake and two cups, the room was bare of everything. The futon's current occupant lay curled up and shaking from a combination of pain and fury. The shadow servant departed. With a look, Lady Sarutobi dismissed her two bodyguards.

"June." Lady Sarutobi declared.

"I'm still alive, Hanako."

"Shall I pour you a cup?"

The frail form of Mother Aoi tried to roll over and fell back with a resigned sigh. "No."

"I'll have some myself, then."

Mother Aoi shook. "Help yourself, then."

Lady Sarutobi poured a few drops out of the bottle, then stopped and put the cup and bottle back. "That sake reeks of poison, June. Did you seek to kill me before cancer killed you?"

There was a weak cough, as if trying to stifle it. "It's a gift from my son."

"Ah, the new Lord Galahad?"

"This is his idea of mercy."

"He hasn't sent for anyone to treat you? A son shouldn't treat his mother like that."

"I killed many of his friends to reach him and took him from a life beneath his station. For this he rebels against me."

Lady Sarutobi shook her head. "The Maehara Shadow Technique didn't take hold?"

"No. He's given me the chance to 'repent' and renounce my life. I refused. So he withholds any treatment from me." Mother Aoi shifted uncomfortably. A shadow servant appeared with a thought and rolled the former ninja warlord to her other side so she could see her old acquaintance. Her face showed the wrinkles of her agony, the signs of malnutrition as her body could no longer compete for nutrients with the tumors growing within her.

Lady Sarutobi gasped.

"I also broke his father's heart. That is what keeps him from visiting. I can only hope to see my sons again before I die. My youngest hates me and lets me rot. My oldest is gone for whatever reason. It's too late to stop the tumors even with what I know. Should I die, Hanako? Should it end here?"

Lady Sarutobi regained her calm demeanor. "June, we are rivals since childhood, but I cannot let you die like this. I will speak to Lord Galahad in the traditional manner. Stay alive until then."

Mother Aoi smiled weakly.

_________________
DocSaluki - @jchinds

Yes, I'm the madman behind the 575 pounds of awesome that is Hephaestus 1. (He's not gone, as long as you keep him in your heart!) I'm not responsible for your nightmares or broken minds, though.

So long, Providence, Hello, Detroit.

"So you're really a catgirl."

"Yes, just like my mother."

"And you're a ninja."

"Well, I'm in training."

"And your grandpa is the new Head Administrator?"

"Yeah."

"And he gave advice on how to seduce you to the boy you like?"

"Yes."

"Did it work?"

"Not when he told him in front of me, it didn't! God, I was so embarrassed! If I'd had my guitar with me, I would've called down a lightning strike on him."

"Wait, you're going to be a Guitar-Wailing Catgirl Ninja?"

"Yep. I even have my Camaro picked out."

"Daaaang..."

_________________
DocSaluki - @jchinds

Yes, I'm the madman behind the 575 pounds of awesome that is Hephaestus 1. (He's not gone, as long as you keep him in your heart!) I'm not responsible for your nightmares or broken minds, though.

So long, Providence, Hello, Detroit.

Matt Iasan picked up the phone. "Hi Dad! Grandpa took me to help out some poor people today!"

"He did?" The Paperwork Ninja asked. "Well, that's new. I wouldn't have expected Grandpa to do that."

"Yeah! We went to this other village and helped out some poor ladies who didn't have any clothes to wear except their underpants!" Matt said, giggling as only an 8-year-old can at the word "underpants."

"Did he now..." the Paperwork Ninja said.

"But we had to use our ninja skills to give them the money since they'd get mad if we'd handed it to them. This one lady did a backbend and made Grandpa put the money in between her--"

There was a sound of a quick struggle as John Culler, Head Administrator of the Village Hidden in Paperwork grabbed the phone. "Wait! No! Ah, hi, son! Looks like Matt took a bump on the noggin today and is still kind of delusional! Oh, those loveable little scamps! I shouldn't have-"

"Oh, I can't wait to hear this story of yours, Dad," the Paperwork Ninja said.

"Well," John started.

"Tell him what you said to Gracie's new boooooyfriend!" Matt shouted from the background. "Ewww!"

_________________
DocSaluki - @jchinds

Yes, I'm the madman behind the 575 pounds of awesome that is Hephaestus 1. (He's not gone, as long as you keep him in your heart!) I'm not responsible for your nightmares or broken minds, though.

So long, Providence, Hello, Detroit.

Step.

Drop.

Slide step at an angle.

Rise.

Back kick to the back of the opponent's knee.

Spin.

Knee to the back of opponent's head before he's too low.

Stomp.

Disengage.

Engage.

Deflect.

Grab.

Step and wrench.

Step.

Drop.

Sweep.

Jump.

Draw.

Throw.

Land.

Draw.

Cut.

Sheathe.

Disengage.

Leave.

_________________
DocSaluki - @jchinds

Yes, I'm the madman behind the 575 pounds of awesome that is Hephaestus 1. (He's not gone, as long as you keep him in your heart!) I'm not responsible for your nightmares or broken minds, though.

So long, Providence, Hello, Detroit.

The Paperwork Ninja's three oldest children handed a flash drive over to their sensei.

Grace smiled, trying not to flatten her ears too much. "We got the listening devices into place by successfully disguising ourselves as part of an old-school rapper's entourage. We'll have more data about the contract talks between the two companies soon."

The older ninja nodded. "Your infiltration and socialization skills have improved. I'm impressed by how fast you picked up the necessary linguistic cues and in-culture mannerisms. It also appears that you were able to get a good amount of preliminary audio, too."

"I guess you could say," Leo said as he slipped on a pair of sunglasses, "peeps be buggin', yo."

"YEAAAAAAAAAHHHH!!!" shouted Elizabeth, the Paperwork Ninja's second-oldest daughter.

The older ninja's face reddened from the slap of the Epic Ninja Facepalm.

_________________
DocSaluki - @jchinds

Yes, I'm the madman behind the 575 pounds of awesome that is Hephaestus 1. (He's not gone, as long as you keep him in your heart!) I'm not responsible for your nightmares or broken minds, though.

So long, Providence, Hello, Detroit.

"Yo, Papes!"

The Paperwork Ninja looked up from his computer. "Yes?"

"Seen the complaints list?"

"I should still be at number 1."

"Oh, you are, but look who's the top complainant."

The Paperwork Ninja switched over to the agency intranet. Freedom Corps had forwarded over two thousand complaints received by mistake. He shrugged. "I'm union. What'll they do? Fire me?"

The office laughed loudly.

_________________
DocSaluki - @jchinds

Yes, I'm the madman behind the 575 pounds of awesome that is Hephaestus 1. (He's not gone, as long as you keep him in your heart!) I'm not responsible for your nightmares or broken minds, though.

So long, Providence, Hello, Detroit.

"Playing games with your cellphone during lunch, huh?" the old test proctor said to Grace Iasan as he grabbed her smartphone while on break. "Let's see here. "Robot Unicorn Attack Heavy Metal edition?" What, pray tell, is that?"

"I play it when I'm bored. It's just a game where you see how far you can get before you crash."

"You can use your phone during lunch breaks... if you can beat the game," the proctor said.

Grace sprang to her feet and snatched the phone from the old proctor's hands.

"Challenge... ACCEPTED," Grace said with a strength formerly hidden in her voice.

_________________
DocSaluki - @jchinds

Yes, I'm the madman behind the 575 pounds of awesome that is Hephaestus 1. (He's not gone, as long as you keep him in your heart!) I'm not responsible for your nightmares or broken minds, though.

So long, Providence, Hello, Detroit.

Todd Galahad, better known to Paragon City as the Cobalt Claymore and known in the Rogue Isles only as Whispering Typhoon, sat behind a desk at the new main office of his "start-up" secure courier company. His secretary knocked on his office door.

"Mr. Galahad? There's a Mrs. Sarutobi here to see you."

Todd leaned back in his chair. "Send her in, Lindsey."

Lady Sarutobi and her entourage of bodyguards filed quietly through the door.

"Huh, it's you," Todd snorted as the door closed behind his guests. "Ms. Midnight."

Lady Sarutobi narrowed her eyes. "It's Lady Sarutobi of the House of Sarutobi and that was a long time ago, Lord Galahad. I came to speak of more important things."

Todd nodded. "Right, more important things. So, how are the twins?"

"I don't have any--" Lady Sarutobi sputtered before she realized the subjects of Todd's question. "You are as irritating as you were when I last fought you and your father!"

"Well, had I known you were a ninja moonlighting as a top-heavy supervillain, I'd have noted it as such with 'Ninja -do not use as stepping off point for puberty' in my crimefighting notebook," Todd said. "Anyway, enough pleasantries. What business brings you here?"

"Stop being such a brat and give your mother the medical assistance she needs to live. No one deserves to suffer and die like that," Lady Sarutobi said as she sat down.

"She killed my teammates at the start of our lacrosse pre-season. She murdered their parents, all our friends and all the spectators at the game. The other team didn't fare any better, and this was all just to kidnap me without any witnesses! I lost the better part of my freshman year of college at my father's alma mater. I was going to be a Dartmouth alum like my father. That was my plan, at least. Deserve it? You're right, she doesn't deserve it. She deserves worse, but this will have to do. Sending her to prison would just give her a chance to escape. So I keep her confined to her chambers with a shadow barrier. If she crosses the barrier, she dies as Shadow eats her soul. Or she can die of pancreatic cancer. Her choice. I've ordered all the medical staff to avoid her unless I give them direct permission to treat her. She killed over a thousand people just to kidnap me. And I'm supposed to be nice to her?"

"Lady Maehara is your mother, and your predecessor as the leader of the House of Maehara. Deference is due to her on account of those reasons," Lady Sarutobi said.

Todd placed his hands on his desk and took a deep breath. "Deference? Bullshit."

"If you don't pay her a little respect at least for being your mother, you could cause a scandal among the other houses," Lady Sarutobi said. "There are consequences for ignoring the rules of decorum, you know."

"It's an internal matter. The other houses should keep out of it," Todd said, drawing lazily on the desk with his finger.

"When the other houses are notified, you'll find a large number of old allies demanding that she be cared for. You will find old family enemies and rivals doing the same, too. Just so you know."

"They can demand all they want. I will explain my reasons, and bid them good day and send them home."

Lady Sarutobi leaned back a little in the guest chair. "That's just asking for a fight. Not even the villages of the Hidden World here in the United States would assist you. Follow the protocols and rules of decorum, Lord Galahad. The rules are there to promote harmony and order."

"That's wonderful, if you follow the Confucian precepts of ren and li. I don't," Todd said.

"Then try 'Honor your father and mother,' instead, Lord Galahad," Lady Sarutobi said.

Todd rose to his feet and slammed his fist on the desktop, splintering where his fist met the desk. "If I had a mother worth honoring I would! I do not need someone from an old and fractious and scandal-ridden family such as the House of Sarutobi to tell me how to deal with a murderer! Good day to you, Lady Sarutobi."

Lady Sarutobi rose from the chair. "You are still too young to lead a ninja clan, and still too used to working alone. You need assistance in your duties as lord, I think."

"Leave now before I ignore your status," Todd said.

"Don't start wars you can't win, Lord Galahad," Lady Sarutobi said as she left the office.

Todd's secretary walked in shortly thereafter. "That could have gone better, Mr. Galahad."

"Yes, it could have, Lindsey."

The secretary looked at the smashed desktop. "Isn't that teak?"

"What's left of it, yes," Todd said as he began picking splinters out of his skin.

_________________
DocSaluki - @jchinds

Yes, I'm the madman behind the 575 pounds of awesome that is Hephaestus 1. (He's not gone, as long as you keep him in your heart!) I'm not responsible for your nightmares or broken minds, though.

So long, Providence, Hello, Detroit.

Grace Iasan picked at the strings of her unplugged electric guitar, trying to get the chords right before making any real noise through the amplifiers. She read through the lyrics of the music piece she was studying and furrowed her brow.

"Bates-sensei?" she asked. "This song's lyrics deal with oceans, waves, sailing, murder and the like. A lot of bands do that, being part of Western tradition. So why is heavy metal in the sphere of ninja influence and not pirate influence?"

Grace's teacher took a deep breath. "That's a good question, one I'd expect from Nemo's daughter. Why is heavy metal in the sphere of ninja influence? Because fuck pirates, that's why," he concluded with a nod.

"That doesn't make sense," Grace said.

"The more you practice, the more you'll understand. Then again, I never understood why your dad went into bureaucratic infiltration instead of being a guitarist. He would have been following in your grandfather's footsteps," Bates said. "We used to jam after class, at least until baseball season started."

"Grandpa was a lightning caller?" Grace asked.

"You didn't know that?"

"Dad didn't tell us much about Grandpa other than to not pick up his bad habits," Grace said. She went back to reading the lyrics. "I still don't get what you mean, though."

"Like I said, the more you practice, the more you'll understand. Now plug in. I want to hear you wail."

_________________
DocSaluki - @jchinds

Yes, I'm the madman behind the 575 pounds of awesome that is Hephaestus 1. (He's not gone, as long as you keep him in your heart!) I'm not responsible for your nightmares or broken minds, though.

So long, Providence, Hello, Detroit.

The Paperwork Ninja spied the suspended chains on the side of the footbridge that acted more as a decorative railing than a safety barrier. He figured that just like the old days, he'd bound it easily. Just a quick "Hey, hup!" and over he'd go, landing on his feet and walking down the hillside to his intended destination. It would beat walking down to the end of the footbridge, then turning and backtracking to the sidewalk. He'd done this thousands of times as a kid.

He sauntered over to the chain-railing, checked the distance and nonchalantly leapt into the air, bringing his legs to his stomach to clear the chain as it swayed slightly in the breeze. It wasn't the height of the leap he misjudged so much as the distance across. He really wasn't aware of that fact until many nanoseconds later.

The first nanosecond he thought Whoops, caught the wallet on the chain on the way down.

The second nanosecond, he realized it wasn't just the wallet, but a good portion of his backside.

The third was noticing the chain becoming taut underneath him, followed by it springing upward, propelling him up just a little.

Somewhere in his brain the following conversation occurred in the remnants of that second:

"Hey! I'm going back up!"

"Well, I'm not falling, so I must be flying."

"Hooray for flying!"

"Wait, I was supposed to be landing now. I think I'm flying instead of landing."

"Yay flying! I'm like a bird!"

"Hmm. the only thing really propelling my flight is inertia. I'm running out of inertia, too, so now I'm going to start falling uncontrollably."

"This isn't flying! This isn't flying at all!"

"Oh crap, ground!"

The Paperwork Ninja's feet hit the ground, but his brain was still conversing with itself about the merits of flying vs. falling that his feet and legs gave way, causing him to roll down the hillside. In the middle of the roll his years of trained reflexes kicked in and he wound up landing on his feet at the bottom of the hillock, none the worse for wear.

He looked around for an audience and seeing none, laughed at his own slipup. Sadly, there was no one else to share the joy of the unexpected pratfall. He dusted himself off and carried on his way.

_________________
DocSaluki - @jchinds

Yes, I'm the madman behind the 575 pounds of awesome that is Hephaestus 1. (He's not gone, as long as you keep him in your heart!) I'm not responsible for your nightmares or broken minds, though.

So long, Providence, Hello, Detroit.