Actual conversation I had at work with a caller...

ME: Ok, you need to type this into the address bar of your web browser. Not a search engine, the address bar.
CALLER: What's an address bar?
ME: Ok, how'bout this? What do you use for internet browsing? IE? Firefox? Google Chrome?
CALLER: I use Yahoo.



And SP wonders why I don't drink more.

_________________

@Wyldnytes
Champions Online: @wyldamethyst
The Secret World: DJ-Amethyst

Wyldnytes on Twitter!
DJ Amethyst on Twitter!
YIM: wyldturtle
e-mail: wyldturtle@gmail.com

Tonight, in global:
[CapeRadio]Attercap: I swear it sounds like they're asking, "Who's always pooping in the hall?"

[CapeRadio]Ren Inferno: [Ren Blackthorne] *crawls into a corner and hides*

_________________
"...his madness keeps him sane.": My Profile on VirtueVerse
Can You WIN the Internet? Arc #85544
Inhuman Resources - At Work with IE #298132
Task Force Mutternacht #349522 <-- Aeon Challenge Arc

Me: I'm back on my pescetarian diet plan.
Jen (coworker): What does that mean?
Me: It's like vegetarian but I'll eat meat that comes from the sea or lake.
Matt (other coworker): So if a cow is raised and killed in the lake, it's fair game?

_________________

TSW: Attercap
CO: Attercap@Attercap

A few I've collected in the last couple of weeks:

I'm high, I have a boner, and I fed my dog pizza. Best life ever. --Drop of Blood, City of Heroes player, on Help channel.

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[CapeRadio]Nachtkat: [Power Squirrel - L2 Tank]: I sleep in a nest of piled discarded dreams, abandoned hopes and snuggies. You?

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[CapeRadio]Nachtkat: [Mental Rapport - L6 Def]: But it's a Tarantino movie. There isn't anything that isn't covered with blood. Even the blood is covered with blood.

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Moggie, on Skype, telling a story while slightly inebriated : "They have these bunnies and chicken-like animals--I dunno, like ducks and shit."

_________________
"Lowering Property Values Since 1974"

Looney: "Why does every Star Wars game feel the need to send you to Tatooine? It's like going to bum f**k Arkansas to find the One Ring!"

_________________

@Wyldnytes
Champions Online: @wyldamethyst
The Secret World: DJ-Amethyst

Wyldnytes on Twitter!
DJ Amethyst on Twitter!
YIM: wyldturtle
e-mail: wyldturtle@gmail.com

Manatee: It's what's for dinner!

_________________
DocSaluki - @jchinds

Yes, I'm the madman behind the 575 pounds of awesome that is Hephaestus 1. (He's not gone, as long as you keep him in your heart!) I'm not responsible for your nightmares or broken minds, though.

So long, Providence, Hello, Detroit.

Nexus: "Yay, alcohol turns Coz into Attercap!"
Ame: "He goes bald?"

_________________

@Wyldnytes
Champions Online: @wyldamethyst
The Secret World: DJ-Amethyst

Wyldnytes on Twitter!
DJ Amethyst on Twitter!
YIM: wyldturtle
e-mail: wyldturtle@gmail.com

[CapeRadio]Ren Inferno: [Stealing Saturday] The Easter Bunny is not Jesus' animagus form. *flee*

_________________

@Wyldnytes
Champions Online: @wyldamethyst
The Secret World: DJ-Amethyst

Wyldnytes on Twitter!
DJ Amethyst on Twitter!
YIM: wyldturtle
e-mail: wyldturtle@gmail.com

My friend Heather (SisterofWar) after seeing this: "Do zombies have animagus forms?"

_________________

@Wyldnytes
Champions Online: @wyldamethyst
The Secret World: DJ-Amethyst

Wyldnytes on Twitter!
DJ Amethyst on Twitter!
YIM: wyldturtle
e-mail: wyldturtle@gmail.com

Another awesome work conversation with a caller...

Caller: "Where do I mail the payment to?"
Me: "The address, I believe, is shown on page 2 of the notice."
Caller: "I don't see that on page 2."
Me: "Ok, page 1 shows your name and address and the title of the notice. Turn that over."
Caller: "Oh, I didn't see that page there."

_________________

@Wyldnytes
Champions Online: @wyldamethyst
The Secret World: DJ-Amethyst

Wyldnytes on Twitter!
DJ Amethyst on Twitter!
YIM: wyldturtle
e-mail: wyldturtle@gmail.com

Very. Next. Call.


Caller: "I want to take out $5k and then another $1k to cover the taxes taxes."
Me: "Well, the minimum we take for taxes is 20%."
Caller: "Ok."
Me: "So you want to take $6k from the account and have $1k of it go to taxes and receive a payment for $5k?"
Caller: "Yes"
Me: "Ma'am, we can't take less than 20% for federal taxes. So for a $6k withdrawal we would take $1,200 for taxes."
Caller: "Oh. Well that's ok too."

_________________

@Wyldnytes
Champions Online: @wyldamethyst
The Secret World: DJ-Amethyst

Wyldnytes on Twitter!
DJ Amethyst on Twitter!
YIM: wyldturtle
e-mail: wyldturtle@gmail.com

my last caller...

Caller: "But I don't want my money invested. I just want it in a 401(k) making money."

I spent 15 mins explaining how a 401(k) works (if you don't know, and want to, send me a PM and I'll be happy to tell you )), and the bottom line is she thinks that the 401(k) works like a savings account. I told her that's not the case and she was really not happy about that.

JC, are you SURE you don't want to work here again? *bats eyelashes*

_________________

@Wyldnytes
Champions Online: @wyldamethyst
The Secret World: DJ-Amethyst

Wyldnytes on Twitter!
DJ Amethyst on Twitter!
YIM: wyldturtle
e-mail: wyldturtle@gmail.com

Me: *sends employee email asking why she needs a $34 flip calendar with color pictures for her desk vs. the $4 one which preforms the same task with no pictures.*

Employee Response: "I was unable to open the links. I do feel this calendar is functional. C (name redacted) and I agree that it’s one of the few joys she and I have while sitting at our desks all day. We enjoy the color photos very much, and I save a lot of the animal photos to look at again and again. "

Me: -_- *facepalm* *forward email to office manager with the words* "This is why I am bald"

_________________
---
end of line

Manager: Well, no arguing with that. More cat pictures!

_________________
"...his madness keeps him sane.": My Profile on VirtueVerse
Can You WIN the Internet? Arc #85544
Inhuman Resources - At Work with IE #298132
Task Force Mutternacht #349522 <-- Aeon Challenge Arc

I deal with politicians and their officious staffers and their lazy, innumerate, illiterate campaign staffers. Their average treasurer is 80 years old, has shaky hands, doesn't like using computers, wants us to stay on the phone with them while they type using the hunt-and-peck-using-only-two-fingers-in-my-day-we'd-have-Myrtle-do-this-on-her-Underwood-typewriter method, listen to them bitch about how frustrating it is that they just can't type stuff in and how we shouldn't expect old people to use modern technology for a job they've been doing for years. If it's not them it's the "Well, we're just a little group of people who care" who don't understand that when they run for office they have to fill out forms on a regular basis, not just when they feel like it. I get that mostly from suburban women who think that since a school board or park board position isn't as prestigious as Governor or the like, they shouldn't be held to the same standards for fiduciary reporting. (My own personal opinion is if you're running to be elected to a that directs how public funds are raised or spent, you get the same financial greaseless prostate exam/pap smear using Hulk Hands that everyone else does. That isn't the official agency opinion, though.)

Then I have to deal with partisan political hacks who are calling in "just as a concerned citizen" and trying to find out if there's a way to start a criminal investigation against the opponent of their preferred candidate. We're mistaken for an agency that can seize bank records (without a warrant, no less, just like CSI!) kick in doors and arrest people based on nothing but anonymous hearsay evidence (without a warrant no less, just like the IRS!) and then blab it to the press.

Then I get to act as the middleman between our IT department and users who are having software problems that a reboot won't fix because sending tech issues directly to IT would swamp them and make them sad. This is also part of the job where people want me to hold their hand through a process that is written in the Help section, a section we show as the first place you should go when you have a question because it has step-by-step instructions on how to do things like enter data.

To make things more fun, I get to explain to people that we only handle gaming licenses for one specific type of game, a raffle, and only for political fundraising by committees established with us. We do not handle your veteran's group, union retirees, your Girl Scout troop or other social club casino night functions. That is for your county clerk and the state revenue department to handle. Not us. If you're raising funds to give to a political campaign, I'd rather you do something that doesn't require licensing, like crawling over broken glass that is also on fire. Sell tickets to that. It'll toughen your fundraisers up, that's for sure.

Finally, I get to field calls from businesses who are trying to contract with state agencies who wonder why they have to ask for my agency's certification just to bid on a contract. The state legislature could have made official misconduct a Class X Felony (the worst kind in terms of punishment, including first-degree murder) but no, they carefully sculpted a law that prohibits companies from giving donations to people running for a position that ultimately oversees those contracts. History lesson: This law was passed after our former governor was indicted for shaking down a children's hospital for contributions. The law basically punishes businesses by prohibiting them from contributing to a race for any office where they might have a contract instead of going after an elected official who demands campaign donations in order to keep contracts running. Now when most people think "businesses" they think Amalgamated Diversified, Inc. Most of the state contractors are visiting nurses/ home health-care specialists who handle Medicaid patients and small local companies who provide janitorial services. You do get the big companies like the banks and medical companies and furniture makers and office supply houses and the like, but more often than not, it's a guy who helps clean up the Soldiers & Sailors Home downstate. Basically, it's for people who wouldn't donate in the first place, and most of your bigger groups are giving to central committees who funnel it to the right people. Yet the small businesses wind up as prohibited persons when it comes to donating for governor or secretary of state. (The legislators did just kinda sorta happen to manage to exempt their offices from the prohibition. They can get donations from everybody! Funny how that happens, eh?)

I get to do this every day at work.

You ask me if want to come back to the cube farm that is Lincolnshire? I can only answer thusly:

WHAT, AND GIVE UP ALL OF THIS?

_________________
DocSaluki - @jchinds

Yes, I'm the madman behind the 575 pounds of awesome that is Hephaestus 1. (He's not gone, as long as you keep him in your heart!) I'm not responsible for your nightmares or broken minds, though.

So long, Providence, Hello, Detroit.